I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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