things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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