this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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