Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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