you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
