you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
