there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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