Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
