Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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