she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
