I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
