Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(410): View more from Maryland

She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay

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(515): View more from Iowa

Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.

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(352): View more from Florida

i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke

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(714): View more from California

if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.

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(516): View more from New York

When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.

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(425): View more from Washington

I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now

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