I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
