Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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