I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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