i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
