Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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