There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
