I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
