youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
