i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
