fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
