it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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