piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
