Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
