Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
