lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
