I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
You did what with his pubic hair?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
