If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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