Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
