i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
