You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
