my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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