2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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