we're chasing vodka with high fives
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Randomize
