I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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