Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
