I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
