My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
