Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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