It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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