Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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