I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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