Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
