There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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