the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
