Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
