I wish my penis had an off switch
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
