dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
These tits shall not be calmed
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
