just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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